the musings on life, style and creation from a young heart living in a world filled with love.

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Introspection - Finding Clarity

By J Edward · June 5, 2009 · 0 Comments · 44 Views

Have you ever listened to a song and your present environment or action just aligns so perfectly with the melodies and lyrics? As though, for a brief moment, someone from another world could have been watching you?

Traveling between Manhattan and Brooklyn on the 'N' train is a highlight of my commute experience. It's a beautiful moment when the train trudges up the incline into the outside world on its route over the Manhattan Bridge and, for just a few moments, you have the most spectacular view of the Manhattan and Brooklyn skyline with the Brooklyn Bridge stretching across the river. There is a certain magic about it when you see it at night, like looking at a living picture of a galaxy.

On my way home today, Beyoncé Knowles filled my eardrums as electronic pulses streamed from my Zune to my tiny black earbuds. That's Why You're Beautiful was the song that shuffle mode rendered next in my playlist as the train pulled itself over the bridge. The first two lines of lyrics took on a new life and brought so much more out of the entire song for me.

Diamonds used to be coal,
Look young, 'cause they got soul.
That's why they're beautiful.

Today was a peculiar day, but a beautiful one nonetheless. After a meeting, I finally got the chance to spend much needed time with someone whose friendship I've come to value beyond words(The Manager). It's been a while since I last got to see him, but just speaking to him helps me to put things in perspective and challenges me to take steps forward. We got to talking about my previous post, as it's an experience that we both are sharing.

We took time to analyze the things that we need to accomplish and the things we would like to have and wrote them out. We are aware that there is so much that God has in store for us, but it's up to us to reach out and take hold of it. The challenge of course is having the courage to step out and reach for it.

On the train ride home, I saw the position I am in at the present, and things look meager and are getting increasingly difficult. Then the rich bass chords reverberated in my skull followed by Beyoncé's voice and I have remembered to appreciate the times like this that help to define who we are and shall become.

Diamonds are an incredible natural phenomenon. Formed under unimaginable pressure from coal, a softer substance, they are the hardest substance known to mankind and yet beautiful. At this point in my life, the pressure is building continuously, solidifying the deepest and brightest parts of my character. I am approaching the time to be harvested and then new work begins.

If you've ever seen a diamond before it is cut, you'd know it's not much to behold. It's only after it has been cleaved and cut that you can see the result on the second floor at Tiffany & Co. on Fifth Avenue. In the sense of the Proverb "iron sharpens iron", it is only possible for a diamond to be cut by another diamond. It is a long and arduous process, but the result is clarity that is majestic to behold.

I do not know precisely what others see in me and I don't know how grand God's plans are for my life, but I know they are great. Now is the time that I am being prepared to meet those who will be a part of the process of shaping my destiny according to my purpose as I do the same for them.

...That's why you're beautiful...

Introspection - At a Loss

By J Edward · June 4, 2009 · 0 Comments · 18 Views

Natasha Richardson as Sally Bowles I find it funny that at the times that I have everything and the world to talk about, I don't sit myself down to write about it. It's at these times when I can't make any kind of sense out of what's going on inside of my head that I can't help but sit down and write. No particular direction to move in, no specific train of thought, just a need to express in some way shape or form. An expression that is sincere and truthful, but where is it coming from?

It is a frustrating experience, being one with an over active and detailed imagination. No way to focus my thoughts or energy, I just need to create. I am sitting, here at my computer desk accompanied by a cup of tea that will probably result in keeping me awake longer than I should be.

Why is it such a challenge for me to have a direct connection with what I am feeling? In this moment? Am I afraid of being confronted with truth or of being vulnerable?

I'm lost.

Lost is the about the only word that comes to mind and I feel a tremendous grief welling up right now.  I don't know why. Part of me wants to apologize for complaining, but why should I?

I've identified that there is clearly something not right as this moment, but I feel stuck. Frozen is more appropriate.

Anger also seems to have it's part to play. Reading over what I've written so far, rage is building up little by little.

No.


At the root of it all, I am feeling hopeless. Beneath my usual bright demeanor and voiced optimism, I feel hopeless. But why? Why do I feel as though I have nothing going for me, when I know in my mind that I have so much? Why is it difficult for me to believe that I have power when I sense that I have great power?

Sure I've come to identify incidents and patterns from my upbringing that have influenced how I perceive myself. But where does that leave me? How do I move from here?

Moments like this made me wish that I dreamed more at night. From the time I started Junior High School up until February of this year, I cannot remember having a single dream. Since February, my dreams are few and far apart, occurring maybe once or twice in a month.

What is odd is that I am a person with great ambitions who knows they have the potential to excel beyond any one person's reckoning. Yet, I feel like the smallest person on the face of the Earth. Insignificant.

To many I seem very self-certain and to others, I come across as arrogant. Am I really? Or am I trying to find some kind of means to validate myself?

This video is Natasha Richardson's brilliant performance as Sally Bowles in the 1998 revival of Cabaret, for which she won a Tony Award as a part of her distinguished career that was unfortunately cut short as she passed away as a result of an accident. Listen to the song and watch as she nails every emotion, particularly after the song and you'll be able to put a face to how I'm feeling at this moment.

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