I find it funny that at the times that I have everything and the world to talk about, I don't sit myself down to write about it. It's at these times when I can't make any kind of sense out of what's going on inside of my head that I can't help but sit down and write. No particular direction to move in, no specific train of thought, just a need to express in some way shape or form. An expression that is sincere and truthful, but where is it coming from?
It is a frustrating experience, being one with an over active and detailed imagination. No way to focus my thoughts or energy, I just need to create. I am sitting, here at my computer desk accompanied by a cup of tea that will probably result in keeping me awake longer than I should be.
Why is it such a challenge for me to have a direct connection with what I am feeling? In this moment? Am I afraid of being confronted with truth or of being vulnerable?
I'm lost.
Lost is the about the only word that comes to mind and I feel a tremendous grief welling up right now. I don't know why. Part of me wants to apologize for complaining, but why should I?
I've identified that there is clearly something not right as this moment, but I feel stuck. Frozen is more appropriate.
Anger also seems to have it's part to play. Reading over what I've written so far, rage is building up little by little.
No.
At the root of it all, I am feeling hopeless. Beneath my usual bright demeanor and voiced optimism, I feel hopeless. But why? Why do I feel as though I have nothing going for me, when I know in my mind that I have so much? Why is it difficult for me to believe that I have power when I sense that I have great power?
Sure I've come to identify incidents and patterns from my upbringing that have influenced how I perceive myself. But where does that leave me? How do I move from here?
Moments like this made me wish that I dreamed more at night. From the time I started Junior High School up until February of this year, I cannot remember having a single dream. Since February, my dreams are few and far apart, occurring maybe once or twice in a month.
What is odd is that I am a person with great ambitions who knows they have the potential to excel beyond any one person's reckoning. Yet, I feel like the smallest person on the face of the Earth. Insignificant.
To many I seem very self-certain and to others, I come across as arrogant. Am I really? Or am I trying to find some kind of means to validate myself?
This video is Natasha Richardson's brilliant performance as Sally Bowles in the 1998 revival of Cabaret, for which she won a Tony Award as a part of her distinguished career that was unfortunately cut short as she passed away as a result of an accident. Listen to the song and watch as she nails every emotion, particularly after the song and you'll be able to put a face to how I'm feeling at this moment.
